On Convalescence
Editor’s Alert: The following essay is rambling and bordering
on TMI, but it recounts the current state of things with me.
It has been much on my mind lately that while I’ve been
getting stronger and looking less like a parolee from a refugee camp, I also am
not as up to speed (read strength, stability, endurance) as I would like to
be. I listened to parts of a program
today on the radio that was centered on the psychological ramifications of
convalescence, and it struck me that this is the issue I am dealing with. While I am improving, I am not yet well, and
I know it. In fact once a month the oncologist has me take these poison
pills. There is probably no plausible
reason I should even think of considering myself well.
Maybe being of good humor tricks me into thinking I am in
otherwise good health.
I also think, however, that many long term convalescents
like myself, at some point hit the wall of frustration and I impatience. I haven’t hit the wall, but I have gently
rubbed its veneer. My “aha” is that I
must avoid comparisons of me 2.0 with me 1.0 at least until a couple of months
after the chemo is completed, which would be in November at the earliest.
I now recognize it as the old half full, half empty argument. I know I should (and do) take joy in the
skills and strengths that have come back into my life, but after almost 9
months, I also want to be back to me 1.0.
I do have the cheese slicer of Damocles hanging over me even
tho the tumor is gone. And as indicated
the chemo that continues is a constant reminder, but so far the virulent beast
that is glioblastoma (GBM) has not come back.
Already I have beaten the stated longevity expectation from this beast
and beat it again and again I hope and intend to do. The right side of the curve is pretty long
and I intend to stay there. I am pretty
sure that there has been some loss of brain function from the tumor/surgery,
but I am thankful that it is small.
Perhaps the most perplexing is my continuing inability to recognize
people’s faces. Forgive me if I have
“blank-faced” you; I will probably do it
again.
The recovery from second surgery in January is more frustrating
as this was the one that really set me back physically. And of course the overlap with cancer
treatment has slowed that recovery. I
would guess that physically I am at 75 to 80% .
I can generally do most everything that I want to do, but in some cases
(golf, running, singing) nowhere near as well as I remember. Of course as we age we remember those skills
as somewhat greater than they really were, but that’s a separate issue.
In these cases the most general advice is to take it one day
at a time, and enjoy each day for what it brings. If I can get out of the comparative mode I
know I can face my days in this way.
Getting out of the comparative mode is the key. I have much to take pleasure in.
This week I have learned that I may have developed an hernia,
altho a definitive diagnosis has not yet been given. For the time being I am off of golf as the
rotational elements of the golf swing cause me quite a bit of discomfort. “Thankfully” I can still do my strengthening
exercises without discomfort so they will continue apace, and hopefully I just
have a muscle pull of some sort that will heal itself.
I am two thirds done with the chemo, and I’m about the same
with my overall convalescence. I’m going
to enjoy all that gets put on my plate in the meantime.
Zora and I are off to Santa Fe Sunday morning where we will
be until 8 August. We are looking forward to a great week of opera, chamber
music, friends and photography. After a
couple of days of laundering we will be off to Pawleys Island for our annual
two-week family adventure. Definitely
half-full!
Thanks for listening.
Rossobasso,
The Scarecrow formerly known as Tin Man,
Honey badger survivor,
and Nanu to his grandchildren
23 July 2012
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